You are Not Your Struggle

I remember how hot it was in the garage as I walked out from the air conditioned house into the humidity. The garage had that familiar smell, all at once nostalgic and stinky. The dried worms who had just not made it back to the yard after a recent rain were curled and defeated on the smooth cement. I walked between the cars as I told my mom I just knew I could be happy if I didn’t have this struggle.

I was at the height of my anxiety struggle. I was reeling really, trying to figure out how I could stop this churning inferno inside that left me tired and defeated, much like those worms -I felt like I couldn’t make it and would be left here dried up by my issues.

I looked around the garage, ironically comforting and familiar on my visit home from college, and thought how great my life was, and how I couldn’t seem to be grateful for it. I wanted to be able to enjoy my life, but I was immersed, completely fallen into my struggle. That moment was so poignant because it became clear that the one thing standing between me and contentment was my struggle. If I could be done with this I would be happy.

But my struggle continued.

That clarity about the one thing standing between me and joy felt like a teaser. I couldn’t attain that, and felt fated to pine for a sense of well being I couldn’t attain.

Then someone told me, that I exist outside of my struggle. Well, that’s untrue, I thought. No I don’t. It was who I was, it was my failure, and my shame, and the one thing keeping me from being normal like everyone else.

Then someone else told me that what I am suffering with is only one part of me, and there are all these other parts of me that exist as well. I was listening more this time. That sounded nice actually. Maybe I was creative and a good friend, and not just my struggle. Maybe those parts counted too. I like that, I thought, I am not just this mess.

Then I read somewhere that the parts of me that are not my struggle can look at my struggle with compassion and accept those hurting parts. This might be taking things too far I thought… If I accept this it will surely destroy me. But I found that as I stumbled and tried to practice acceptance of what I honestly hated, I enjoyed a moment here or there more, I tasted my food more, I had more moments of not feeling so desperate. 

I started to notice that I could be and feel many things at once. I could be interested in something and sad. I could be excited about something and still anxious. I contained many parts of myself.

This separation, and the re-introduction it gave me to other parts of myself, as well as this acceptance of my struggle became the key to unlock the door to my healing. I am not my struggle, and I am still lovable with this struggle in my life. That was a quiet revolution that began undoing years of pain. My identity is not my struggle, the separation moved me into learning acceptance, which opened me up to starting to get free.

It has been found that acceptance is the most impactful part of many types of therapy, and of practices of mindfulness and meditation. It is what has the most potential to change us. We can’t accept hurting parts of ourselves when we think we are those parts. The first step is recognizing your have different parts, the second is practicing a loving acceptance of what you can’t stand. This sets the path for growing out and through feeling stuck.